Managing situations

So, I’m not the most awesome driver. In fact, in year 12 I was voted by my peers the “worst driver of the year”. I think it was that time I tried to reverse hill-start my Ute while trying to wag school and I crashed into another student’s car. I then went crying to the deputy principal, who sought out some burly men from my year to push my car off the other person’s car. Then the deputy principal had to hill-start my car for me and I was left to drive into the distance with everyone knowing I was skipping school. It was awkward.

The other morning I got a phone call which went like this:

Me: Hello, Sam speaking!

Police: Hi, this is Mark from the Australian Federal Police.

My first thought was “I don’t remember making a job application to the Police, but I will run with it.

Me: Oh... Hi!

Police: Do you know where your car is?

Oh God, someone’s stolen my car! I have errands!

Me: errr... I think so... do, ummm... should I go outside?

Police: Oh, we know where your car is, there are some officers outside who would like to ask you some questions.

Oh no... What have I done this time?

So I put some pants on and went outside where there was a paddy wagon, two police officers and one very displeased neighbour. I tried to assess the situation, but the combination of it being morning (11am) and having a previous adverse experience with the police was freaking me out. I was already projecting my impending arrest.

“Ma’am, can you explain this scratch on your car?”

I looked from my car to my neighbours house and realised someone had crashed into their garage, and the house shaped dent in my car was looking pretty suss at that moment.

“Ohhh! No, I, haha, crashed into my parents’ house!”

This statement is true. I did it one morning while running late for an exam, which I passed despite my lack of spacial perception. So I was explaining how I go about driving into things and one officer asks for my licence.

I ran inside to get my licence when I remembered I’m still on a probationary licence, which I obtained through my criminal disregard for the law.

So there I was explaining why my licence is blue when I realise the address on my licence is my parents’ address. So then I was explaining why my dodgy licence has a dodgy address and that driving into houses is just a matter of course for me. I then passionately declared:

“I’m not a great driver, but I didn’t do that!” while pointing at my neighbour’s garage.

Telling the police I’m not a great driver is probably not a great way to preface my innocence. But somehow the police officers eventually said they believed me, so I guess my passionate speech resonated in the hearts and minds of our law enforcement officials.

After they left I was standing there with my displeased neighbour. I then proceeded to apologise. Rather profusely. I felt sorry for him having to go through the trauma of dealing with insurance companies, but unfortunately in this circumstance it came across as, “I’m sorry I broke your house.” He looked at me accusingly and I didn’t know how to explain to him what I was apologising for so I apologised again and ran back inside my house.

Managing situations is not really my strong point, especially situations involving the police.

During a ‘routine vehicle inspection’ a police woman told me there’s nothing to worry about. I was petrified, but I didn’t realise I had panic and terror written all over me, I thought I was playing it pretty cool up until that point.

To my detriment I am pretty expressive. I can’t seem to hide any of my thoughts. I even have different giggles depending on what I’m thinking. I could probably sustain a conversation based on giggling. Don’t test me on that.