I’ve been putting writing this post off for… *counts*… 3 years. 3 years since I last blogged because of this fundamental shame. And why not just make J for “Jobs” or “Joy” or “Jalapeños”. Well, I could’ve, and probably should’ve considering how long I’ve put this off, but none of those things are quite as intrinsic as my #1 character defect.
Most of my life I genuinely believed I was not a jealous person. I convinced myself that the churning in my stomach and sinking of my heart I encountered while comparing myself to smarter/funnier/prettier people was just me “being happy for them”. And boy was I happy for everyone!
I actually remember the day I decided I wasn’t going to be a jealous person, and yes, it was a very intentional conscious decision. The day was December 25 1993.
I had recently been introduced to the musical fantasy film, Xanadu, and I was in love with Olivia Newton John. I wanted nothing more than to be a singing skating ethereal princess, and I just knew that Santa had listened to my heart and I was going to get those roller-skates come Christmas morning. Christmas day rolled around (pun not intended) and there must’ve been a communication error at the North Pole, because I woke up to roller-blades in my stocking.
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| Radical, sure. But is it ethereal? |
Blades are okay, but they’re not otherworldly or romantic. I tried to hide my disappointment. I was taught to always be grateful and gracious, so I put on a smile and had a fairly adequate Christmas day. My façade was working well until my cousins arrived that afternoon.
My cousin Ashley got roller-skates from Santa that morning and I was devastated.
My memory may be fabricated here, but I vividly recall sitting on my front veranda steps watching Ashley skate off into the sunset, her silhouetted dress flowing in the breeze; she was the ethereal princess and I was a regular shoed chump.
They say comparison is the thief of joy. I saw Ashley, graceful and gorgeous and I looked at myself; a gargoyle. Gargoyles don’t glide – they slump. So I hunched my shoulders and slouched into my well of self-pity.
I got caught, of course. My Uncle came out and chastised me for being spoilt, ungrateful and unkind. All very ugly characteristics that I was not keen on having attached to me. I decided at that moment I would never be jealous again.
Can one decide to never be jealous? Yes, but only if one is also mighty delusional!
So, decades of heartache followed. What isn’t brought to consciousness will be lived out as fate, (or so Carl Jung says.) I spent years tearing myself to pieces because I didn’t feel good enough. I would look at my peers and their achievements and note my lack of achievements. If I did achieve something I’d downplay it, hating to think I might upset someone else with my magnificence. I got myself into numerous love triangles, constantly seeing why and how the other woman was clearly a better catch. All the while I was telling myself that I didn’t mind, that I was happy for the victors of these unspoken competitions.
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| Play stupid games, win stupid prizes |
Compare to despair. My life stayed small. I was (rightly) accused of being unambitious, I rarely shot for things I actually wanted. I didn’t really let myself want much, unless it was absolutely attainable and no-one would notice if I did attain it. I refused to acknowledge my talents, in case someone think me arrogant, (or spoilt, ungrateful or unkind.)
I was 30 when I first acknowledged my jealousy. It had been there, simmering, (frequently boiling over,) waiting for me to say “oh, hey there, estranged emotion, what do you want to tell me?”
I think that's all any of our emotions want, acknowledgement and compassion. Jealousy isn't "bad", every person on the planet has felt jealous of something or someone at some point in their life. It's what we do with the emotion, how we interact with it. We can use jealousy to put ourselves down and live our lives small, or we can listen to it and use it to motivate us to be better than we were yesterday.
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| Spiderman's new slogan is pretty fly (stretchy pun sort of intended) |
Jealousy is a lack of self-love. I used jealousy as an excuse to give up, to not try, to not work on the things I perceive as my flaws. When I’m looking at others I’m not looking at myself. I can't control what others do, only what I do; so I have to be looking inward. I'm learning to meet my emotions and accept them as they come. Acceptance isn't the same as approval, I don't always have to agree with my emotions; but I do have to acknowledge them if I don't want to be consumed by them.
Becoming acquainted with my jealousy has helped me grow. Now when I hear that voice say “she’s so pretty,” I tell myself, “I agree, and so am I.” Conceited much? Maybe. The thing is, you spot it you got it! So when I think a person is kind, or smart, or funny, I can appreciate that it takes one to know one.
Oh, funny story! So there’s this quote which says “One finger pointing out, three pointing back at you” and I never understood it. I assumed the quote had something to do with the law of threes, that everything we put out into the world will come back three fold. That was until I heard the quote “two fingers pointing out, six pointing back at you” and I realised that when you point your index finger, your middle finger, ring finger and pinky all point backwards. It was literally talking about our hand.
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| The rule of threes? |
Boy did I feel quite the fool. Luckily I never told anyone!
