Interviews

I’ve been a bit obsessed with being unemployed lately. Granted, I was obsessed with that idea before I became unemployed. This is not something I’ve entered into without a lot of consideration. What eventually pushed me to resign was the realisation that even if I was unemployed, desperate for a job and down to my last dollar, I wouldn’t apply to that company again.

Now I know that I’m supposed to do more with my life. I’m friendly and courteous and hard working. Not to mention personable. Boy, am I personable! But I’m an extreme under-achiever and self sabotage in interviews, so I don’t know how to get to this next phase of my life. It's tricky because I don’t mean to sabotage, I just feel guilty when I talk myself up, so I try to compensate by minimising what I say, or referencing times where I’ve been in trouble and made horrible mistakes.

Panel: So Sam, tell us a time when you’ve implemented a change in your work practices
Sam: Well, I used to collapse the screen when conflicting commercials so I could get through it faster, but then I realised that I was missing other important information so I expanded it.
Panel: So did other people take this on too?
Sam: Uh, well, I was the one doing it the wrong way to begin with. So I was actually in trouble. But, you know, I did change my work practices and I... can take... direction... :(

Great Sam! I was so embarrassed after that interview I couldn’t bring myself to ask them for feedback. I think I know where else I went wrong:

Panel: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Sam: Uhhh... HR... I like people and helping and HR are important.

I just wanted to look like I had a plan. I don’t want to be in HR. The position was for an admin assistant. So much of that interview was a mess.

At least I didn’t say, “Married with kids,” when they asked me where I see myself. I did that in my first ever interview, before I knew that being married with kids isn’t something employers particularly value in their staff.

To my credit I didn’t cry in that interview. I went for a job at a different company recently and only realised half way through that I’m actually still quite traumatised from my experience at my last job. The guy interviewing me was really sympathetic about it all. In hindsight I suppose it’s almost funny.

Sympathetic man: I know you’re expecting this question, why did you leave your last job?
Sam: Well, while I enjoyed my experience there and gained many skills I feel I would like to expand my skills in other areas... and... grow... into challenges... and yeah. *stare out window*
Sympathetic man: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Sam: *still staring out the window* Happy... that would be nice.
Sympathetic man: You seem quite burnt out.
Sam: *voice quivering* Yes!

Ah, it went downhill from there. From that point on it seemed I had appointed him as my new therapist. I mean, I started okay, mentioning skills and growing, but unfortunately I am terrible at lying, and once he knew I was burnt out it was all over. He asked me if I was ready to have a job again and I said “maybe in a few weeks”. I mean... FFS Sam, you just say yes.

I keep telling myself it will be okay. Someone is bound to find my quirks and idiosyncrasies charming.

I was thinking of becoming a maid and then having a rich dreamy man think I’m a socialite when I try on a wealthy woman’s dress and then we’ll fall in love and then he'll find out that I’m really just a maid but it doesn’t matter because even though we are worlds apart the only distance separating us is a subway ride between Manhattan and the Bronx.

Or I could go the Pretty Woman ‘route’.

Or I could just keep on applying for this allusive ‘real job’. I firmly believe that someone is going to have all of their merits list decline the position, and then I’ll be there, ready to be scraped from the bottom of their barrel. I’m reliable like that.

Who knows, some day I might be their first choice. Each interview is getting better, and I would make fabulous eye-candy for the office.

Quick! Hire that forward thinking vision of progress!

Fortunes for the famished

I was doing a tarot reading for myself on the living room floor, when I had an outburst:
“Gyaarrrrhhhh, none of these are what I was wanting!”
To which dad responded
“Well what were you expecting?”
“I’m kinda hungry; I thought it’d be about that.”

So now I’m making my own tarot deck.

The Sam Williams Food Deck of Food Related Fortune.

There will be four delicious suits:

Sandwiches:
- The Ham of Sandwiches
To draw the Ham of Sandwiches augurs a period of non-kosher delights.

- The Peanut Butter of Sandwiches
The Peanut Butter of Sandwiches heralds a time of going back to ones roots and rediscovering the simple pleasures of things being stuck to the roof of one’s mouth.

- The Club of Sandwiches

The Club of Sandwiches can stand for a mood or experience that makes you feel like dancing and singing.

Soups:
- The Tomato of Soups
The Tomato of Soups indicates a time of challenging preconceived notions of temperature. Whether life is to be heated or gazpacho is yet to be seen, but with new knowledge and insight one can grow into an open minded individual, eager for the next delicious treat in their culinary journey.

- The French Onion of Soups

The French Onion of Soups is a time of romance and haughtiness.

- The Nazi of Soup
When the Nazi of Soup enters a spread a time of snap decision-making and cold judgement can be seen to be emerging. The Nazi of Soup may enter one’s life as a man of few words and strict rules, but the reward for pleasing the Nazi of Soup far surpasses the mild inconvenience of having to respect authority.

Sauces:
- The Hollandaise of Sauces
The Hollandaise of Sauces augurs a time of zest and vigour. Perhaps travel is on the horizon, or nice sleep in. Whichever the case, a break from the mundane is imminent.

- The Apple of Sauces

Apples are traditionally bad omens, and the Apple of Sauces is no exception. The negative characteristics of apples, such as spoiling our precious barrels, or the doctor repelling qualities of apples, point to a time of contaminated shipping and untreated lacerations. The good news is that apples are delicious, and the negative effects of apples are usually temporary, unless you receive them from a smooth talking snake.

- The Awesome of Sauces
There is a 65% chance you will encounter a duck. Whether it is a Mallard, Peking or of the rubber variety remains to be seen, but the experience will be legendary.

Salads:
- The Greek of Salads
When the Greek of Salads appears it is a time for deep contemplation over those summer nights.

- The Caesar of Salads
The Caesar of Salads augurs a period of great success and prosperity. Be careful not to become too conceited or arrogant, as you may find yourself being stabbed in the back. And front. 23 times.

- The Garden of Salads

The Garden of Salads is a delightful card, heralding a time of fruitful abundance and satiety.

Then you have the major condiments:

- The Salt
When the Salt appears it is time for the individual to partake in an osmosis regarding their feelings and salinity. The transfer of semi-permeable memories will serve to enrich the experience, and a more appetising life is ready to be enjoyed.

- The Pepper
The Pepper is all it is ‘cracked’ up to be. A ‘season’ of red-hot fun is available for those who embrace their ‘pep’.

- The Sugar
Sweet frivolity is abundant when the Sugar appears. This fun and flirty card indicates a time of good intentions, and a lack of consequences to one’s actions, unless you happen to be a petrol tank.

- The MustardThis card cautions one to steer clear of conservatories with candlesticks.

- The Secret Spices
No one knows what this card augurs.

2am philosophy

I’m pretty impatient.

I think I broke my computer. The Internet dropped out while I was in the middle of doing my tax return, so I thought, “I’ll show you” and turned my computer off. However, when I tried to turn it back on it was taking ages, so I turned it off while it was trying to start up. Then I started it again and it went to repair mode. When it was taking too long to repair I turned it off again.

It’s currently trying to start up again. It’s taking way too long, so I put a coat on over my pyjamas and I've driven over to my parents’ place. At 1:30am.

I might buy a new computer. This is kind of my approach to life; if it’s too hard, give up. I don’t know where I got this philosophy. I don’t think anyone has really expected much from me, so "at-least-you-almost-tried" has been sufficient.

This was until recently. It’s weird; lately I’ve been a bit ‘gung ho’ with my life, which has never ever been the case. I remember being in year 10 and having no idea what subjects to choose for college. My friends all seemed to have it together, and most have followed the paths they chose back when they were 16, but I was terrified of choosing the wrong subjects and ruining my life.

It turns out ruining your life isn’t so bad. I’ve ruined my life on *many* occasions now. People are remarkably resilient. I spent my first year out of school just fucking everything up. I went to (and subsequently withdrew from) CIT twice, messed up at two jobs and burned bridges with two of my major friendship groups. My life was a mess.

From there I enrolled at the University of Canberra to do Nursing. The next year I enrolled in Communication and Media Production. I completed that degree, then jumped into full time employment. Rebuilding my life has been a tough, slow and sometimes painful process. I've always had it in my head that the only measure for ‘success’ is ‘gainful employment’.

So when I quit my job in July I was certain I had ruined my life again. It turns out that some time to reflect was exactly what I needed. I’ve been plodding along for years without really thinking what I want to be doing, or where I want to be.

As it turns out I know where I see myself in five years. Ready?

A Supermodel!

Nah, I kid. I just want to be happy. I want to know myself, be good at what I do and just keep developing new skills and interests. Even if the new skills and interests are personal development; growth is imperative.

So, I think that’s my quest in this life, to overcome this unrequited and profound self-hatred. Starting… Now.

Managing situations

So, I’m not the most awesome driver. In fact, in year 12 I was voted by my peers the “worst driver of the year”. I think it was that time I tried to reverse hill-start my Ute while trying to wag school and I crashed into another student’s car. I then went crying to the deputy principal, who sought out some burly men from my year to push my car off the other person’s car. Then the deputy principal had to hill-start my car for me and I was left to drive into the distance with everyone knowing I was skipping school. It was awkward.

The other morning I got a phone call which went like this:

Me: Hello, Sam speaking!

Police: Hi, this is Mark from the Australian Federal Police.

My first thought was “I don’t remember making a job application to the Police, but I will run with it.

Me: Oh... Hi!

Police: Do you know where your car is?

Oh God, someone’s stolen my car! I have errands!

Me: errr... I think so... do, ummm... should I go outside?

Police: Oh, we know where your car is, there are some officers outside who would like to ask you some questions.

Oh no... What have I done this time?

So I put some pants on and went outside where there was a paddy wagon, two police officers and one very displeased neighbour. I tried to assess the situation, but the combination of it being morning (11am) and having a previous adverse experience with the police was freaking me out. I was already projecting my impending arrest.

“Ma’am, can you explain this scratch on your car?”

I looked from my car to my neighbours house and realised someone had crashed into their garage, and the house shaped dent in my car was looking pretty suss at that moment.

“Ohhh! No, I, haha, crashed into my parents’ house!”

This statement is true. I did it one morning while running late for an exam, which I passed despite my lack of spacial perception. So I was explaining how I go about driving into things and one officer asks for my licence.

I ran inside to get my licence when I remembered I’m still on a probationary licence, which I obtained through my criminal disregard for the law.

So there I was explaining why my licence is blue when I realise the address on my licence is my parents’ address. So then I was explaining why my dodgy licence has a dodgy address and that driving into houses is just a matter of course for me. I then passionately declared:

“I’m not a great driver, but I didn’t do that!” while pointing at my neighbour’s garage.

Telling the police I’m not a great driver is probably not a great way to preface my innocence. But somehow the police officers eventually said they believed me, so I guess my passionate speech resonated in the hearts and minds of our law enforcement officials.

After they left I was standing there with my displeased neighbour. I then proceeded to apologise. Rather profusely. I felt sorry for him having to go through the trauma of dealing with insurance companies, but unfortunately in this circumstance it came across as, “I’m sorry I broke your house.” He looked at me accusingly and I didn’t know how to explain to him what I was apologising for so I apologised again and ran back inside my house.

Managing situations is not really my strong point, especially situations involving the police.

During a ‘routine vehicle inspection’ a police woman told me there’s nothing to worry about. I was petrified, but I didn’t realise I had panic and terror written all over me, I thought I was playing it pretty cool up until that point.

To my detriment I am pretty expressive. I can’t seem to hide any of my thoughts. I even have different giggles depending on what I’m thinking. I could probably sustain a conversation based on giggling. Don’t test me on that.

Social awkwardness

So, socially I’m pretty awkward. On the whole I’m happy with my introverted lifestyle, with spontaneous bursts of extraversion, followed by guilt and more introversion. I occasionally enjoy a splash of omniversion.

Om nom nomniversion.

I think I’m what they call an ambivert.

Eeenyway. I have a few people I’m comfortable talking to, and then there’s the rest of the world. The other night one of the rest of the world was my 11 year old cousin. She’s from Scotland and my dad’s over there and I was talking to him on the phone and he’s like, “here talk to your cousin!” and I was all, “oh no no no!” and then she was on the phone.

Our conversation went something like this:

Sam: Hi, how are you?
Cousin: Hi, I’m fine thanks.
Sam: I like your accent
Cousin: Thanks, I like your accent too
Sam: Cool… Thanks
…
Sam: How crazy is the time?
Cousin: Yeah, what’s the time there?
Sam: ummmmm… like 6pm.
…
Sam: Well, I have to go and things. Have a good day!
*hang up*

And then I went and hid in my room.

This isn’t isolated. I’ve run off from shopping centres because kids talk to me.

5 year old boy: I like this bracelet. Purple is my favourite colour. I don’t think there should be boys’ and girls’ colours because you should like whatever colour you want.
Sam: Yeah, you’re an inspiration :).

And then I nodded and kept nodding and walked off while nodding and got to my car and drove home and hid in my room.

I did truly think that child was an inspiration. You challenge that hegemony, kid!

My awkwardness extends to the Internet. I like asynchronous communication, I can think about the implications of my words before they’re blurted out. But sometimes I take too long to think, and then it’s been a couple of days without replying to an email, and then I feel awkward and don’t want to send an email and remind the person they sent me an email which I hadn’t replied to yet, so I stop checking my email altogether.

And it’s similar with facebook messages I haven’t replied to. I won’t update my status or comment on things so people think, “maybe she just hasn’t been online for a while?” But I have, I’m just lurking and being creepy until I think they’ve forgotten they sent me a message. *sigh*.

Anyway. I don’t know how I got to be so socially uncomfortable. People have noted I have “staple sentences”. Mostly “oh wow!” “that’s nice!” and “oh no!”. I think I turn to these when I’m not sure what to say. Though I do genuinely like things that are nice. And I like telling people when I like things.

Like you, sexy blog reader ;).