K is for Kindness

I went on a date a few weeks ago with this guy who had a very large obvious tattoo on his arm saying *Brianna. (*Brianna wasn’t the actual name on his arm, I’m taking a creative liberty to protect *Brianna.) So of course I asked, “Oooh, who is *Brianna?” and this guy cut me down and was like, “We don’t talk about *Brianna!”

I just… why would you tattoo someone’s name in 72pt font down your forearm if you don’t want people to ask about it?

I gave him a wry smile (I’ve been reading lots of romance novels lately and everyone gives wry smiles in these sorts of situations) and left it at that.

All in all it wasn’t a great date, but he did ask me what I’m looking for in a partner, and it got me thinking about my values and desires.

My top three criteria are playfulness, introspection and kindness. 

Playfulness is at the top of my list. I really enjoy being with people who are fun, silly and young at heart.  Someone who will sing along with me to songs we don’t know the words to, someone who will make me laugh and who understands absurdity of this human experience we’re having together. Life needs to be joyous. 

One of my favourite memories is from an ordinary night with one of my ex-boyfriends. We were driving and we passed a sign saying “night roadworks” and I started singing “Nightroadworks” to the tune of “Nightswimming” by REM.  My ex picked it right up and started singing the second line “Roadworks in the night” with me.  

Maybe that’s not romantic to everyone, but to me I just felt so understood and seen. I sing when I’m happy. It’s something I’ve noticed over the years – when I’m in a good mood little ditties will escape my mouth. (Just like I’ve noticed when I’m not in a good way “sorry’s” will slip my past lips. I have tells, but I’ll never tell!)

So fun and silliness are important to me. I fall in love with people who make me laugh. 

My second criteria is introspection. I think self-reflection and a commitment to “soul-growth” is something I value and I would like to be with someone who shares this value. 

I don't know why this quote is paired with this image, but I'm not gonna examine it right now.

I was once with a guy who flooded his own laundry and yelled at me for it.  There was no possible way I could have been responsible for the flooding, I hadn't been anywhere near his laundry, and yet I took the blame. This man had absolutely no self-awareness (or humility, or compassion). He could not accept that he had made a mistake and so he took his anger out on me. He was so ready to blame the world, he refused to see that his actions had consequences. 

I think it’s important to look at our motives and our patterns. When we become aware of our defects we can made decisions about what to do with them, but until we are aware of what we are unconsciously doing we will repeat our mistakes. Without awareness there is no choice. 

My third criteria is kindness.  Kindness costs nothing. I used to see kindness as a sort of weakness, something people will take advantage of, but as I get older I’ve found that the greatest source of connection to others is through compassion and service. A smile from a stranger can make my day.

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One of the biggest red flags I ever saw was one night in winter I was at this man’s house.  His cat had used the bathtub as a toilet and he was punishing her by locking her outside. It was freezing outside and I could hear her desperate meows and scratching at the flyscreen door. I got up to let her in and he stopped me, telling me she was in trouble and “she knows what she did.” I felt so bad for this poor darling cat. I soon discovered that this man could treat people the exact same way. I found myself frequently stonewalled by him with no warmth and no way in. He would tell me “you know what you did” and I would have to guess at why I was being punished. What transgression had I made for him to treat me so cruelly?

So kindness is a must on my list. At the end of my date the other week the guy got a phone call from his baby mama and he was quite nasty to her. This was less than half an hour after I had told him “kindness” is something I value. I understand that ex-relationships are complicated – especially when there are children involved, but also I do not want to be the next woman he is verbally abusive to. 

When I need to have a difficult conversation with someone I ask myself if the words I am about to utter are true, necessary and kind. Our words need to be all three. Sure, someone may have wronged you, but there is no need to wrong someone back. An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.  

I feel a bit funny writing a list of things I'd like in a partner.  I think my whole life the only requirement I've had is "he likes me" – and even then sometimes even that wasn't a requirement.  

Anyway, I'm working on being my best self at the moment.  I have a list of things I love, and I'm told that if I do these things on my "love list" then I will attract the right someone; hopefully someone whose criteria I also match :)