K is for Kindness

I went on a date a few weeks ago with this guy who had a very large obvious tattoo on his arm saying *Brianna. (*Brianna wasn’t the actual name on his arm, I’m taking a creative liberty to protect *Brianna.) So of course I asked, “Oooh, who is *Brianna?” and this guy cut me down and was like, “We don’t talk about *Brianna!”

I just… why would you tattoo someone’s name in 72pt font down your forearm if you don’t want people to ask about it?

I gave him a wry smile (I’ve been reading lots of romance novels lately and everyone gives wry smiles in these sorts of situations) and left it at that.

All in all it wasn’t a great date, but he did ask me what I’m looking for in a partner, and it got me thinking about my values and desires.

My top three criteria are playfulness, introspection and kindness. 

Playfulness is at the top of my list. I really enjoy being with people who are fun, silly and young at heart.  Someone who will sing along with me to songs we don’t know the words to, someone who will make me laugh and who understands absurdity of this human experience we’re having together. Life needs to be joyous. 

One of my favourite memories is from an ordinary night with one of my ex-boyfriends. We were driving and we passed a sign saying “night roadworks” and I started singing “Nightroadworks” to the tune of “Nightswimming” by REM.  My ex picked it right up and started singing the second line “Roadworks in the night” with me.  

Maybe that’s not romantic to everyone, but to me I just felt so understood and seen. I sing when I’m happy. It’s something I’ve noticed over the years – when I’m in a good mood little ditties will escape my mouth. (Just like I’ve noticed when I’m not in a good way “sorry’s” will slip my past lips. I have tells, but I’ll never tell!)

So fun and silliness are important to me. I fall in love with people who make me laugh. 

My second criteria is introspection. I think self-reflection and a commitment to “soul-growth” is something I value and I would like to be with someone who shares this value. 

I don't know why this quote is paired with this image, but I'm not gonna examine it right now.

I was once with a guy who flooded his own laundry and yelled at me for it.  There was no possible way I could have been responsible for the flooding, I hadn't been anywhere near his laundry, and yet I took the blame. This man had absolutely no self-awareness (or humility, or compassion). He could not accept that he had made a mistake and so he took his anger out on me. He was so ready to blame the world, he refused to see that his actions had consequences. 

I think it’s important to look at our motives and our patterns. When we become aware of our defects we can made decisions about what to do with them, but until we are aware of what we are unconsciously doing we will repeat our mistakes. Without awareness there is no choice. 

My third criteria is kindness.  Kindness costs nothing. I used to see kindness as a sort of weakness, something people will take advantage of, but as I get older I’ve found that the greatest source of connection to others is through compassion and service. A smile from a stranger can make my day.

Here's your meme

One of the biggest red flags I ever saw was one night in winter I was at this man’s house.  His cat had used the bathtub as a toilet and he was punishing her by locking her outside. It was freezing outside and I could hear her desperate meows and scratching at the flyscreen door. I got up to let her in and he stopped me, telling me she was in trouble and “she knows what she did.” I felt so bad for this poor darling cat. I soon discovered that this man could treat people the exact same way. I found myself frequently stonewalled by him with no warmth and no way in. He would tell me “you know what you did” and I would have to guess at why I was being punished. What transgression had I made for him to treat me so cruelly?

So kindness is a must on my list. At the end of my date the other week the guy got a phone call from his baby mama and he was quite nasty to her. This was less than half an hour after I had told him “kindness” is something I value. I understand that ex-relationships are complicated – especially when there are children involved, but also I do not want to be the next woman he is verbally abusive to. 

When I need to have a difficult conversation with someone I ask myself if the words I am about to utter are true, necessary and kind. Our words need to be all three. Sure, someone may have wronged you, but there is no need to wrong someone back. An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.  

I feel a bit funny writing a list of things I'd like in a partner.  I think my whole life the only requirement I've had is "he likes me" – and even then sometimes even that wasn't a requirement.  

Anyway, I'm working on being my best self at the moment.  I have a list of things I love, and I'm told that if I do these things on my "love list" then I will attract the right someone; hopefully someone whose criteria I also match :)

J is for Jealousy

I’ve been putting writing this post off for… *counts*… 3 years. 3 years since I last blogged because of this fundamental shame. And why not just make J for “Jobs” or “Joy” or “Jalapeños”. Well, I could’ve, and probably should’ve considering how long I’ve put this off, but none of those things are quite as intrinsic as my #1 character defect. 

Most of my life I genuinely believed I was not a jealous person. I convinced myself that the churning in my stomach and sinking of my heart I encountered while comparing myself to smarter/funnier/prettier people was just me “being happy for them”. And boy was I happy for everyone! 

I actually remember the day I decided I wasn’t going to be a jealous person, and yes, it was a very intentional conscious decision. The day was December 25 1993. 

I had recently been introduced to the musical fantasy film, Xanadu, and I was in love with Olivia Newton John. I wanted nothing more than to be a singing skating ethereal princess, and I just knew that Santa had listened to my heart and I was going to get those roller-skates come Christmas morning. Christmas day rolled around (pun not intended) and there must’ve been a communication error at the North Pole, because I woke up to roller-blades in my stocking. 

Radical, sure. But is it ethereal?

Blades are okay, but they’re not otherworldly or romantic. I tried to hide my disappointment. I was taught to always be grateful and gracious, so I put on a smile and had a fairly adequate Christmas day. My façade was working well until my cousins arrived that afternoon. 

My cousin Ashley got roller-skates from Santa that morning and I was devastated. 

My memory may be fabricated here, but I vividly recall sitting on my front veranda steps watching Ashley skate off into the sunset, her silhouetted dress flowing in the breeze; she was the ethereal princess and I was a regular shoed chump. 

They say comparison is the thief of joy. I saw Ashley, graceful and gorgeous and I looked at myself; a gargoyle. Gargoyles don’t glide – they slump. So I hunched my shoulders and slouched into my well of self-pity. 

I got caught, of course. My Uncle came out and chastised me for being spoilt, ungrateful and unkind. All very ugly characteristics that I was not keen on having attached to me. I decided at that moment I would never be jealous again. 

Can one decide to never be jealous? Yes, but only if one is also mighty delusional! 

So, decades of heartache followed. What isn’t brought to consciousness will be lived out as fate, (or so Carl Jung says.) I spent years tearing myself to pieces because I didn’t feel good enough. I would look at my peers and their achievements and note my lack of achievements. If I did achieve something I’d downplay it, hating to think I might upset someone else with my magnificence. I got myself into numerous love triangles, constantly seeing why and how the other woman was clearly a better catch. All the while I was telling myself that I didn’t mind, that I was happy for the victors of these unspoken competitions.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes

Compare to despair. My life stayed small. I was (rightly) accused of being unambitious, I rarely shot for things I actually wanted. I didn’t really let myself want much, unless it was absolutely attainable and no-one would notice if I did attain it. I refused to acknowledge my talents, in case someone think me arrogant, (or spoilt, ungrateful or unkind.) 

I was 30 when I first acknowledged my jealousy. It had been there, simmering, (frequently boiling over,) waiting for me to say “oh, hey there, estranged emotion, what do you want to tell me?” 

I think that's all any of our emotions want, acknowledgement and compassion.  Jealousy isn't "bad", every person on the planet has felt jealous of something or someone at some point in their life. It's what we do with the emotion, how we interact with it. We can use jealousy to put ourselves down and live our lives small, or we can listen to it and use it to motivate us to be better than we were yesterday.  

Spiderman's new slogan is pretty fly (stretchy pun sort of intended)

Jealousy is a lack of self-love. I used jealousy as an excuse to give up, to not try, to not work on the things I perceive as my flaws. When I’m looking at others I’m not looking at myself. I can't control what others do, only what I do; so I have to be looking inward.  I'm learning to meet my emotions and accept them as they come.  Acceptance isn't the same as approval, I don't always have to agree with my emotions; but I do have to acknowledge them if I don't want to be consumed by them.

Becoming acquainted with my jealousy has helped me grow. Now when I hear that voice say “she’s so pretty,” I tell myself, “I agree, and so am I.” Conceited much? Maybe. The thing is, you spot it you got it! So when I think a person is kind, or smart, or funny, I can appreciate that it takes one to know one.

Oh, funny story! So there’s this quote which says “One finger pointing out, three pointing back at you” and I never understood it. I assumed the quote had something to do with the law of threes, that everything we put out into the world will come back three fold. That was until I heard the quote “two fingers pointing out, six pointing back at you” and I realised that when you point your index finger, your middle finger, ring finger and pinky all point backwards. It was literally talking about our hand. 

The rule of threes?

 Boy did I feel quite the fool. Luckily I never told anyone!