I’ve been a bit obsessed with being unemployed lately. Granted, I was obsessed with that idea before I became unemployed. This is not something I’ve entered into without a lot of consideration. What eventually pushed me to resign was the realisation that even if I was unemployed, desperate for a job and down to my last dollar, I wouldn’t apply to that company again.
Now I know that I’m supposed to do more with my life. I’m friendly and courteous and hard working. Not to mention personable. Boy, am I personable! But I’m an extreme under-achiever and self sabotage in interviews, so I don’t know how to get to this next phase of my life. It's tricky because I don’t mean to sabotage, I just feel guilty when I talk myself up, so I try to compensate by minimising what I say, or referencing times where I’ve been in trouble and made horrible mistakes.
Panel: So Sam, tell us a time when you’ve implemented a change in your work practices
Sam: Well, I used to collapse the screen when conflicting commercials so I could get through it faster, but then I realised that I was missing other important information so I expanded it.
Panel: So did other people take this on too?
Sam: Uh, well, I was the one doing it the wrong way to begin with. So I was actually in trouble. But, you know, I did change my work practices and I... can take... direction... :(
Great Sam! I was so embarrassed after that interview I couldn’t bring myself to ask them for feedback. I think I know where else I went wrong:
Panel: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Sam: Uhhh... HR... I like people and helping and HR are important.
I just wanted to look like I had a plan. I don’t want to be in HR. The position was for an admin assistant. So much of that interview was a mess.
At least I didn’t say, “Married with kids,” when they asked me where I see myself. I did that in my first ever interview, before I knew that being married with kids isn’t something employers particularly value in their staff.
To my credit I didn’t cry in that interview. I went for a job at a different company recently and only realised half way through that I’m actually still quite traumatised from my experience at my last job. The guy interviewing me was really sympathetic about it all. In hindsight I suppose it’s almost funny.
Sympathetic man: I know you’re expecting this question, why did you leave your last job?
Sam: Well, while I enjoyed my experience there and gained many skills I feel I would like to expand my skills in other areas... and... grow... into challenges... and yeah. *stare out window*
Sympathetic man: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Sam: *still staring out the window* Happy... that would be nice.
Sympathetic man: You seem quite burnt out.
Sam: *voice quivering* Yes!
Ah, it went downhill from there. From that point on it seemed I had appointed him as my new therapist. I mean, I started okay, mentioning skills and growing, but unfortunately I am terrible at lying, and once he knew I was burnt out it was all over. He asked me if I was ready to have a job again and I said “maybe in a few weeks”. I mean... FFS Sam, you just say yes.
I keep telling myself it will be okay. Someone is bound to find my quirks and idiosyncrasies charming.
I was thinking of becoming a maid and then having a rich dreamy man think I’m a socialite when I try on a wealthy woman’s dress and then we’ll fall in love and then he'll find out that I’m really just a maid but it doesn’t matter because even though we are worlds apart the only distance separating us is a subway ride between Manhattan and the Bronx.
Or I could go the Pretty Woman ‘route’.
Or I could just keep on applying for this allusive ‘real job’. I firmly believe that someone is going to have all of their merits list decline the position, and then I’ll be there, ready to be scraped from the bottom of their barrel. I’m reliable like that.
Who knows, some day I might be their first choice. Each interview is getting better, and I would make fabulous eye-candy for the office.
Now I know that I’m supposed to do more with my life. I’m friendly and courteous and hard working. Not to mention personable. Boy, am I personable! But I’m an extreme under-achiever and self sabotage in interviews, so I don’t know how to get to this next phase of my life. It's tricky because I don’t mean to sabotage, I just feel guilty when I talk myself up, so I try to compensate by minimising what I say, or referencing times where I’ve been in trouble and made horrible mistakes.
Panel: So Sam, tell us a time when you’ve implemented a change in your work practices
Sam: Well, I used to collapse the screen when conflicting commercials so I could get through it faster, but then I realised that I was missing other important information so I expanded it.
Panel: So did other people take this on too?
Sam: Uh, well, I was the one doing it the wrong way to begin with. So I was actually in trouble. But, you know, I did change my work practices and I... can take... direction... :(
Great Sam! I was so embarrassed after that interview I couldn’t bring myself to ask them for feedback. I think I know where else I went wrong:
Panel: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Sam: Uhhh... HR... I like people and helping and HR are important.
I just wanted to look like I had a plan. I don’t want to be in HR. The position was for an admin assistant. So much of that interview was a mess.
At least I didn’t say, “Married with kids,” when they asked me where I see myself. I did that in my first ever interview, before I knew that being married with kids isn’t something employers particularly value in their staff.
To my credit I didn’t cry in that interview. I went for a job at a different company recently and only realised half way through that I’m actually still quite traumatised from my experience at my last job. The guy interviewing me was really sympathetic about it all. In hindsight I suppose it’s almost funny.
Sympathetic man: I know you’re expecting this question, why did you leave your last job?
Sam: Well, while I enjoyed my experience there and gained many skills I feel I would like to expand my skills in other areas... and... grow... into challenges... and yeah. *stare out window*
Sympathetic man: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Sam: *still staring out the window* Happy... that would be nice.
Sympathetic man: You seem quite burnt out.
Sam: *voice quivering* Yes!
Ah, it went downhill from there. From that point on it seemed I had appointed him as my new therapist. I mean, I started okay, mentioning skills and growing, but unfortunately I am terrible at lying, and once he knew I was burnt out it was all over. He asked me if I was ready to have a job again and I said “maybe in a few weeks”. I mean... FFS Sam, you just say yes.
I keep telling myself it will be okay. Someone is bound to find my quirks and idiosyncrasies charming.
I was thinking of becoming a maid and then having a rich dreamy man think I’m a socialite when I try on a wealthy woman’s dress and then we’ll fall in love and then he'll find out that I’m really just a maid but it doesn’t matter because even though we are worlds apart the only distance separating us is a subway ride between Manhattan and the Bronx.
Or I could go the Pretty Woman ‘route’.
Or I could just keep on applying for this allusive ‘real job’. I firmly believe that someone is going to have all of their merits list decline the position, and then I’ll be there, ready to be scraped from the bottom of their barrel. I’m reliable like that.
Who knows, some day I might be their first choice. Each interview is getting better, and I would make fabulous eye-candy for the office.
Quick! Hire that forward thinking vision of progress!
4 comments:
"Who knows, some day I might be their first choice"
Such a wistful line!
Love your writing style. Exciting: you'll be famous one day and I'll have known you before you were famous.
I keep re-reading this. I read it aloud to my partner this morning and we were both cracked up. I know it's not cool to laugh at others social blunders but the way you wrote it is so funny. Your self deprecating writing style similar to Woody Allen I think. I agree with tomblah. You'll be famous one day, J
You hristing genius! Love you! Plenty more surprises, 'cakes, even for me.
:) I got offered a job today!
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