Fortunes for the famished

I was doing a tarot reading for myself on the living room floor, when I had an outburst:
“Gyaarrrrhhhh, none of these are what I was wanting!”
To which dad responded
“Well what were you expecting?”
“I’m kinda hungry; I thought it’d be about that.”

So now I’m making my own tarot deck.

The Sam Williams Food Deck of Food Related Fortune.

There will be four delicious suits:

Sandwiches:
- The Ham of Sandwiches
To draw the Ham of Sandwiches augurs a period of non-kosher delights.

- The Peanut Butter of Sandwiches
The Peanut Butter of Sandwiches heralds a time of going back to ones roots and rediscovering the simple pleasures of things being stuck to the roof of one’s mouth.

- The Club of Sandwiches

The Club of Sandwiches can stand for a mood or experience that makes you feel like dancing and singing.

Soups:
- The Tomato of Soups
The Tomato of Soups indicates a time of challenging preconceived notions of temperature. Whether life is to be heated or gazpacho is yet to be seen, but with new knowledge and insight one can grow into an open minded individual, eager for the next delicious treat in their culinary journey.

- The French Onion of Soups

The French Onion of Soups is a time of romance and haughtiness.

- The Nazi of Soup
When the Nazi of Soup enters a spread a time of snap decision-making and cold judgement can be seen to be emerging. The Nazi of Soup may enter one’s life as a man of few words and strict rules, but the reward for pleasing the Nazi of Soup far surpasses the mild inconvenience of having to respect authority.

Sauces:
- The Hollandaise of Sauces
The Hollandaise of Sauces augurs a time of zest and vigour. Perhaps travel is on the horizon, or nice sleep in. Whichever the case, a break from the mundane is imminent.

- The Apple of Sauces

Apples are traditionally bad omens, and the Apple of Sauces is no exception. The negative characteristics of apples, such as spoiling our precious barrels, or the doctor repelling qualities of apples, point to a time of contaminated shipping and untreated lacerations. The good news is that apples are delicious, and the negative effects of apples are usually temporary, unless you receive them from a smooth talking snake.

- The Awesome of Sauces
There is a 65% chance you will encounter a duck. Whether it is a Mallard, Peking or of the rubber variety remains to be seen, but the experience will be legendary.

Salads:
- The Greek of Salads
When the Greek of Salads appears it is a time for deep contemplation over those summer nights.

- The Caesar of Salads
The Caesar of Salads augurs a period of great success and prosperity. Be careful not to become too conceited or arrogant, as you may find yourself being stabbed in the back. And front. 23 times.

- The Garden of Salads

The Garden of Salads is a delightful card, heralding a time of fruitful abundance and satiety.

Then you have the major condiments:

- The Salt
When the Salt appears it is time for the individual to partake in an osmosis regarding their feelings and salinity. The transfer of semi-permeable memories will serve to enrich the experience, and a more appetising life is ready to be enjoyed.

- The Pepper
The Pepper is all it is ‘cracked’ up to be. A ‘season’ of red-hot fun is available for those who embrace their ‘pep’.

- The Sugar
Sweet frivolity is abundant when the Sugar appears. This fun and flirty card indicates a time of good intentions, and a lack of consequences to one’s actions, unless you happen to be a petrol tank.

- The MustardThis card cautions one to steer clear of conservatories with candlesticks.

- The Secret Spices
No one knows what this card augurs.