G is for Grief

Today would be my Nana’s 87th birthday. She died in 2011. She was an incredible human being. She was a mental health activist, a cancer survivor, an Amway distributor and the most optimistic Pollyanna on the planet. She had the biggest smile and when she’d laugh she’d finish with “oh dear”. She was the first person to recognise that my mental health issues made me a sick person, not a bad person. I loved her immensely.  

Andrea Walsh - AKA: "Nana"

Denial
Nana got diagnosed with bone cancer in February 2009. I didn’t take her diagnosis well. There was a lot of drinking and a lot of crying! Then silence. I denied that she was dying. I began to avoid her. This is one of my biggest regrets, that I abandoned my Grandmother at the end of her life. It was incredibly selfish of me. Mum ended up being an at home carer for Nana, but when I came home to visit I wouldn’t spend much time with Nana. I got on with my life and pretended it wasn’t happening.

Anger
The anger stage lasted a long time! Nana died on the 15th of February 2011, 2 years after her diagnosis. After her death I started to feel very angry with her for dying. I totally recognise how irrational that is! Still, I was angry with her for leaving me in this world without her. How very dare she! I was angry she got chemotherapy which made her even sicker for the end of her life when I couldn’t see any hope. I know the truth is that she wanted to be alive so badly. It was never in her nature to just give up. I was mad because I saw her death as inevitable and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I stayed angry with her until I saw a psychic/medium in 2015.  

Bargaining
I don’t know if there is a more obvious way of bargaining than seeing a psychic to contact a loved one who has passed. I went and saw a psychic last year pretty specifically to try to talk to my Nana again. The psychic did actually get my Nana’s personality pretty spot on. This helped me forgive her for leaving me. I don’t really think our loved ones ever truly leave us if we remember them and honour them in our lives. I don’t know if I believe in “spirits” or an afterlife. I’d like to. I do believe we have souls and purpose and connection. Knowing what is realistic and what isn’t (like someone living forever) has helped me with this loss.  

Depression
After seeing the psychic I did feel sad for quite some time. I still get waves of sadness at how much I miss her. Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and let her know what’s going on with me. She was so good with advice (and meddling! She loved her meddling. And her drama!)  She’d be so fascinated by what’s happening in the world right now! Occasionally I get teary when I think about her, but the tears are slowly being replaced with smiles.  

Acceptance
I’m at this stage now, nearly 6 years after her death. Nana was 55 when I was born, I don’t know why I expected her to be around for all of my life. We don’t have a cure for mortality yet. Sometimes when I’m meditating I like to invite her spirit in (by which I mean the essence of her, what I imagine the spirit of her to be). She’s around because I’m around, and I remember her and I love her. Love doesn’t die.

So happy birthday Nana BaNana. I miss you heaps tonnes and I love you.