I can't really remember much from the last 3 weeks. This depression is turning everything into a blur. Each day is a battle for survival, you know? Nothing notable is happening; no real crashes, and no real breakthroughs. It's okay sometimes and really difficult mostly.
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| I accidentally fell off the spectrum |
What I hate is that it hurts the people around me. I hate that I can't face talking to anyone. I don't check my Facebook, I don't respond to texts. I feel too ashamed to even go home and see my parents. Everyone has advice and I know everyone's advice is good and in my best interests... but I'm not in for my best interests.
It's really hard to explain; and to be honest, I don't want this to be one of those whiney woe-is-me blogs. I've learnt through bitter experience that it's important to keep some personal things off the internet - crippling mental illness is one of those things. Unless it's retrospectively, like "Hey, wasn't that time I nearly drowned in melancholy hilarious? How self deprecatingly humorous of me!"
So this is my attempt to say sorry, and that I don't think I'll be back until I can write something that doesn't call for a CAT team or institutionalisation.
I'll get there in the end. Just determining where 'there' is and when the end will be.
The disappointment is the hardest bit.
8 comments:
Oh, Sammy, can I call you? You don't have to say anything, I'll just recite...things, and you can listen...
If you want to respond, you can press numbers on the keypad, Tom: how are you? Sam: beeeeeep :(. Tom: really, that bad, hey? Sam: beep, beep. Tom: did you know jack had a baby? Sam: beep! Tom: oh yes, his name is Isaac! Sam: oh that's wonderful! Tom: beep. Sam: you're being me now? Tom: beep, beep. Sam: stop stealing my phone identity!
Jack had a baby???!
AWWWWWW!!!!! That IS wonderful!!! :D :D :D.
You really know how to say things :).
Words are my baby!
"Words are my baby"? Aaaaaah, hahha lame,...I wish I had "aborted" that comment, so to speak :)
Hmmm, yes, been there done that!
You're not disappointing anyone, babe. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just get better. And you will, even tho it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Even though you're likely questioning what better is right now. You're awesome. :)
You mean alcohol isn't making it all better?! Obviously you simply aren't drinking enough! ;) I'm being facetious, of course! I've recently (once more!) been to rehab despite being all "no, no, no" initially. Ultimately, I think that only you can pull yourself out of a depression.. It's hard but you have to *make* yourself take the first step. Today, for example, I had plans to catch up with a friend but could barely drag myself out of bed.. I did in the end and had a fantastic afternoon! What's worked for me in general in terms of getting through the dark times : appreciate the little things, (re)connect with positive people/people that lift you up, eat right/exercise, etc. :) :) Stay strong. x P.S. You quite possibly know who I am.. Get in touch if you want to..
Sammmmmy! You should write a blog post reviewing all the park benches in Sydney and Canby!
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