50 shades of fan fiction

So far “le Janvier” is going well. I sliced off some of my tooth while flossing– that’s the last time I improvise with razor-wire! I actually freaked out quite a bit, who slices off a tooth? So I went to the dentist for a filling, and it turned out I just took off the edge of a tooth which was holding in a previous filling. So we numbed me up and put in a new filling. In the following hours I realised that because I had no feeling in my mouth I managed to chew up the whole left side of my cheek innards. You would think after 27 years I would know where my cheek is, but no. Luckily I had Mum around who stuffed my mouth full of cotton wool. I doubt I’ll ever not need my Mum.

I’ve been trying to slug through the last Fifty Shades of Grey book. I find it really hard to read; mostly because it’s so terrible. When I first bought the trilogy I was pretty excited, “Finally! Erotic literature tailored for Mommys, I thought this day would not come!” But it has nothing to do with fantasising you’re a mother who’s reading pornography. Its reputation is very misleading! 

I can handle the bad grammar, the molestation of a thesaurus, and the switching up of past and present tenses; but I find it difficult to ignore Ana’s Subconscious and Inner Goddess. I don’t know about you but my subconscious is below my conscious level of perception. While hers is reading “the complete works of Charles Dickens Volume One” (no specific titles necessary, neither the reader nor author have read any Dickens anyway!) my subconscious is off processing some childhood trauma or something. I’m not certain of that though; I have no idea what goes on in there – it is sub consciousness. The subconscious is like a warehouse of experiences our conscious minds don’t understand. I imagine it to be like a processing factory out in the woods, ready to deliver the pieces of information if the consciousness requires it. It doesn’t tut, have spectacles, or read fancy English books.

When I see the words “Inner Goddess,” I read it as “please skip to the next paragraph.” The metaphors don’t make any sense.  “My inner goddess is doing a triple axel dismount off the uneven bars.”  I don’t know what that is supposed to mean!  She feels so sexy she imagines she’s a gymnast? That sounds more stressful than erotic.  I also imagine her inner goddess being like Animated Lizzie from Lizzie McGuire, which makes her even more ridiculous.



The thing that bothers me most is that E.L. James doesn’t understand her characters, and is highly judgemental about "alternative lifestyles". The blatant emotional abuse issue seems to be ignored, but then the fact that Edward Christian is a little kinky is frowned upon. Ana clearly finds it hot, but after the sex is over she’s all “Holy shit bananas that was amazing, but there must be something wrong with him, even though I consented to it all and really enjoyed it too. Time to psychoanalyse and cure him! Because love is about curing people’s faults; faults which I both condemn and encourage.”

Can’t he just be a sadistic pervert and leave it at that? To each their own.

Plus his back story is lame and lazy. I would be much more satisfied with “he’s got Scorpio rising with Pluto in the 1st house”. Leave it there, it’s sexier.

But no; we have to figure out the hunky mysterious man, stripping him of his hunky mysteriousness. Mystery is sexy, mother-issues... less sexy.

Christian stalks Ana, which also isn’t sexy, or acceptable. If he is supposed to be this confident dreamy guy then I would think it would be out of character for him to be obsessing over her. Confidence is sexy, jealousy and trust issues aren’t. The stalking and jealousy thing comes across as wimpy, and as soon as he started doing that I just got annoyed with him, and certainly didn’t want to be having fantasy dommy/subby sex with him.

I love you like a friend, wimpy cartoon guy!

Ana annoys me too. Saying you’re smart and read old English literature is not the same as actually being smart and able to use words correctly. Not using plain English makes her come across as a dumbass. Sure, the words sound impressive when not in the context of your sentence; but they are, and their meaning isn’t what you think it is. You sound like a wanker, dear. I can empathise with Christian – I’d wanna smack her too.

Beh. The characters deserve each other really.

Here’s a review which sums it up well. It has GIFs!  Possibly NSFW, depending on where you work.

This video also makes me laugh: It has Selena Gomez.

In conclusion, read it if you want a laugh from reading the numerous parodies and reviews, but not for sexual stimulation.  There are much better written erotic novels out there.  Hell, there is a lot better fan fiction out there, with even better shipping than Bedward! 

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