my indomitable spirit

I have never wanted to be myself.

All my life I have wanted to be someone else. The first person I wanted to be was my second cousin Marielle (who I still kinda would like to be). She’s a stunner! One day we were jumping on a bed and she wore this pretty dress and just looked so princessy. For the rest of my childhood I insisted on wearing dresses.

When I was 3 I went to a school in England, and there was a girl called Rebecca who had the longest hair! oh I wanted to be her so much! She knocked over some blocks one day and the teachers were fine with it. When I copied her I got sent outside to the stairs.

When I was 6 I had a family friend. She was pretty and cute and had so many barbie dolls and I just wanted to be her. She has a slight stutter at the time, so I developed a minor stutter for a bit. True story. It was a hard habit to break.

Ashley. I’ve always wanted to be Ashley.

Girls at high school. Girls at uni. Girls I’ve never even met.

Today I decided I want to be me. I want to know who I am, instead of trying to be someone/anyone else. Who knows, I might actually be a decent person. Maybe.

I’ll take the parts of the girls I like and try apply them to myself. I like her demeanour; I’ll drink more herbal tea and be calmer. I like the way she does her makeup; I’ll spend more time gussying up. But I wont try to be them. I’ll modify it. Make it my own. I’ll finally be myself - but without the self-loathing.

I can be who I want to be.

I am Sam!