F is for Friends

Birthday parties were a big thing when I was growing up.  I’ve always been into tradition and ritual, as well as being given presents and having lots of people adore me for just existing – I’m really into that. So I really got into birthday parties and celebrating Sam.

When I was about to turn 7 my mum decided to throw a birthday party for me.  I remember mum asking me who I wanted to invite, and I didn’t know.  She asked me who my friends were, and I couldn’t tell her.  We got out my class photo and I honestly did not know which girls were my friends.  So we settled on just inviting all the girls in my class to my birthday party.

7 year old Sam partying down with her many acquaintances

Is this weird?  I‘m not sure.  I’ve always been blessed with having a lot of people around me.  I like people, especially eccentric and quirky people. I’ve always been attracted to people who embrace their dark and light, and wear them unashamedly. Authentic people are the bomb! 

My problem (one of many problems really) is that I’m a bit of a wallflower. In my head I have this rich inner fantasy life where I'm super interactive, so I feel like I’m close to people when in reality I’m kind of a loner.

Feeling close to people and being close to people are different things. I've learned that to be friends with someone, it has to go two ways.  I can’t get close to people if I only observe and don’t share myself.  It's something I'm not good at.  In the past I have found myself with the predicament where people who share themselves with me are not the people I share myself with, and then I share myself with people who won’t share with me. It’s paying it forward in awkwardness. 

These days I am getting better at identifying who I consider my friends.  There are a couple of people who I trust and who seem to trust me, and that's pretty wonderful.  I don’t have a lot of friends, but I don’t really need a lot. I’m content having a small world within this small world. 

...a smile means friendship to everyone